Good or Bad

 The patient and the doctor was myself alone. Whom should I talk to or share? Who could understand this? Can I forgive myself for having the idea of killing my beloved one? I have fought a lot to forget that idea and let it go, yet is too deep to get rid of now.

It lasted a long time, doctor. I have been fighting hard but here I am again. Laying in front of you and expecting you to heal my wounds. Be gentle doctor, they are too fragile and painful as I am drowned in guilt and grief.

Tell me doctor how you will heal this unstoppable wound? Will I be able to smile again and see the beauty of life around me or I will remain blind? 

Give me some strong medicine doctor as time is not healing it. 

The patient and the doctor was myself alone. Whom should I talk to or share? Who could understand this?

Can I forgive myself for having the idea of killing my beloved one? I have fought a lot to forget that idea and let it go, yet is too deep to get rid of now.

All I wanted is to stop that miserable pain she was having and let her go to start a new life beyond this world, but then why do I have this guilty feeling? A feeling that I cannot reverse or change, which hurts me deep in my mind and heart.

It is already many years that she has gone but I am living in that moment over and over again. Asking myself how I could imagine and think about it.

Would she forgive me if I expressed my thoughts to her?

Tell me doctor, am I a good or a bad person? Or does it really matter to be good or bad if she cannot see how I am losing myself everyday and how I am burning alive each night I lay down in my bed.

I looked at myself one more time in the mirror. No longer can I recognize those eyes, that look and that face. I am a stranger to myself. I hate what I see as much as I hate the idea of killing you but I must stay strong. I must change the story.

There I am. Sitting at waiting room finally as next patient. All the talks I prepared at home have disappeared. The doctor who will stop my suffering is just couple meters away from me. My hands are shaking and my thoughts are like a growing storm. And the desire that moves in my blood is uncontainable.

Counting the seconds.

I could hear my steps. My clumps are pressuring my eardrum. I feel like my mind will soon blow up. After the longest walk of my life I shook his hand.

The doctor told me sit, after he closed the door behind.

Again I was counting seconds while staring at my shaking hands and knees. I should calm down. I checked my pocket all my belongings were still safe with me.

So tell me young man, what is wrong? You look so pale.

The words got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t control it. My anger was growing and my blood was like a tornado.

I am dying doctor yet all I feel is guilt and grief. You have to stop this misery. I can’t handle it anymore.

The doctor was shocked. Hold my chain and turn my face up and look at my eyes. “Tell me more please.

Why do you feel so guilty?”

“First give something strong doctor. Something that would calm down my blood pressure. My veins are at the edge of explosion. “

Again he looked at me and repeated his question.

“Why do you feel so guilty?”

The question was repeated in my mind a thousand times more. I was no longer myself while I stood up.

Everything happened in couple seconds after I stood on my feet.

All I heard was the voice of a sharp knife and once the voice of the doctor. Later on it was all covered with my deep breaths and fresh blood flashing around.

I hold his body around thirty seconds more while one of my hands was still covering his mouth. I could see deep inside his slashed neck and the way blood was squirting. I was fascinated by that moment as I felt my pain was going away with the blood.

You doctor, you could not save her. She was lying in front of and you could not stop her misery. You made me live in prison. You killed both of us five years ago exactly at this hour and day.

Now I let us all free.

I left my knife on his body. Quickly cleaned my face and hand. I took one of his aprons from wardrobe behind his desk and took the key of the room from the drawer.

After a final check on my shoes, I opened door and locked it behind me. Slowly I went directly to take the elevator down to the garage.

I feel alive again but still did not know who I was. A saviour or a murderer? A good or bad person?

As I lost my soul, I am just a carrier of a body that is searching to find its soul again.

To be a good man or at least to believe I am one of them.

It all started five years ago and today it ended or it is just the beginning of my new self.

My lips were singing while I was driving to my salvation. My flight is waiting for a new start. Maybe there is still some good in me…